The first opportunity arose during a professional development training at Gap International, a global performance consulting company. During one exercise, we were asked to build a relationship with another person while speaking for three minutes about anything that came to mind. Meanwhile, the other person practiced active listening—they could not talk, reply, or show any form of recognition or understanding with non-verbal cues. We practiced this with three different individuals.

At the start of the third round, my partner and I appeared to have nothing in common based on our age, profession, life experiences and perspectives, reasons for attending the training, and goals that we wanted to accomplish. During the exercise debrief, he announced to the entire group that he had not believed it would be possible for us to build a relationship when I first started talking. However, he immediately changed his mind when he realized we shared appreciation of the little things in life based on topics that I had dug deeper to share, simply to fill the time, instead of keeping my conversation topics on the surface.

The next time I encountered the use of silence was at Equal Measure’s Implicit Bias training, during which we used the Narrative 4 method. We had to listen without talking or responding, while a partner told a story for two minutes. The listener then had to retell the story using “I,” as if they were telling it from their partner’s point of view. I had the opportunity to tell my partner’s story about his journey to recognize male privilege and the conversations it has led to with his wife and son.  The experience led to increased empathy for the storyteller and more of an understanding of how to authentically tell someone else’s story to have an impact.

As someone who experiences anxiety about a lull in the conversation, I often spend most of a conversation identifying new topics in case there is a pause, or jumping in to share my thoughts or respond to someone to keep a conversation going. But I’ve learned a few very valuable lessons about the importance of silence from these experiences that made me change my conversation tactics:

1. Active listening allows you to hear other people’s thoughts, instead of your own thoughts in your head. The silence that may occur when actively listening allows you to hear the other person’s thoughts instead of your own: When you engage in active listening, you can hear more of what the other person is saying and understand their thoughts, instead of forcing your thoughts immediately into the situation and experiencing the conversation through your own lens.
2. A better understanding through active listening can lead to better outcomes. Understanding someone’s thoughts or perspective can lead you to offer better advice, create better solutions to problems, or tell a story (something key to the narrative change work in the social impact field).
3. Sometimes people just want to be heard. As a listener, understand that people may not be seeking advice at all. Sometimes listening is enough and gives people what they really want—to be heard.
4. Avoid talking points that would keep you from listening in silence, or allow space for this if you must bring an agenda. When you enter a conversation with an agenda, or spend time thinking about what you are going to say next, you may miss the key point of the conversation that the other person is trying to express. Active listening allows you to hear and open up to new ideas you might have missed if you are stuck on your own agenda.
5. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and instigate deeper conversations when you are the one speaking. Even in the absence of non-verbal cues, a speaker can build a relationship by demonstrating vulnerability, sharing more about themselves than the surface-level conversation might allow.
6. Encouraging active listening on both sides of the evaluator-client relationship could lead to new ideas or progress on project goals. Active listening can’t be a one-sided activity. For the evaluator, it is important to authentically consider clients’ capacity, needs, and goals to provide actionable guidance. This includes leaving the conversation open, embracing silence, and understanding their needs before developing an agenda, evaluation plan, or strategy for the project. As a learning partner, evaluators can develop ways to ensure that clients engage in active listening to stay receptive to findings that could lead to greater impact.

I plan to use active listening in achieving my current professional development goal to meet new people and build my professional network. I usually feel nervous at networking events, and prepare with talking points or an agenda to discuss to keep the conversation flowing. However, I think I’d prefer to try a new tactic—entering without an agenda and allowing for more silence. I believe this approach could allow me to gain a deeper understanding of the other person, and forge stronger relationships than when I engaged in brief networking interactions.